Tonight I got off the plane at LaGuardia and had this urge to call 'F'. While we haven't actually seen each other since August, he and I have still been in not infrequent contact, though the purpose of said contact remains hazy at best.
It happened while I waited in the cab line. As I stood there in the 40 degree weather in my 65 degree outfit, I watched a couple in their late 20s/early 30s in line in front of me, him holding her close for warmth. It was clear that he had been away for the weekend and she had met him at the airport. She announced happily that she had made him tortillas. "Made them?!" he responded. "Okay, okay, I didn't make them. But I got them for you!" Just as I was ready to peg them as a three to six-month-old couple - somewhere in the stage where one still wants to meet the other at the airport - I noticed their simple, matching wedding bands. And suddenly my eye-rolling at their cutesy cuddliness turned into a combination of envious yearning and mad jealousy. A wave of loneliness hit me. I thought I might start tearing up in the cab line, and that is when I had the urge to call 'F'.
It's pretty ironic considering I see 'F' as this emotionally unreachable being - a bit set in his own ways and a lot closed off. Though I doubt he would never admit it outright, I think he tires of leading a solitary life. The one time he ever hinted at feeling alone, he all but retracted it the following day. I think part of the reason I haven't fully cut him out of my life is that I almost feel sorry for him, in an empathetic way. I look at him and fear that his life is what mine could look like in five years - living alone, with almost all of my friends married or coupled off and feeling as though my job was a dead-end. I can't help but wonder whether there was some dramatic event in his life that rendered him so emotionally shut-off - a broken engagement or unrequited love perhaps? Or was it a series of failed attempts at relationships that gradually chipped away at his capacity to love?
I honestly have no idea, but I rather hope it's the former, for my sake.
Showing posts with label F. Show all posts
Showing posts with label F. Show all posts
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Someone to Lean On
A few weeks ago, I cried on the phone to 'F'.
It's almost comical to see in those words on a screen. If nothing else, this year will go down in history as the year of uncontrollable crying. I think I've cried more in the first three quarters of 2010 than I did in all of the entire previous decade (granted, crying twice a year was probably my previous norm). The odd thing about this particular instance was that it was even more random than usual. 'F' didn't say anything to piss me off (for once). Actually, he probably didn't say anything more than "Hey." Literally. He called me, I picked up and the next thing I knew, nothing was coming out but tears.
I was tired. Tired of being in charge. Tired of being responsible. Tired of being in control but not in control. Tired of doing everything for myself. Tired of doing shit for other people. Tired of organizing get-togethers to no one's full satisfaction. Tired of answering questions like "Where's X Bar?" when the questioner could have easily taken an extra 4 seconds to type the "X Bar" into google instead of immediately sending me an email. Tired of giving date recommendations to my guy friends. Tired of giving second date recommendations. Tired of giving recommendations period. Tired.
Most of the above are things that I generally enjoy, or at least don't mind, but after an entire summer of what felt like constantly stepping up when others weren't, there were times when I just wished I could go to my parents' house, crawl into my childhood bed and have my mom take care of me. Escape all of my responsibilities, even for just a moment, and let someone else do things for me for once.
I guess it is quickly becoming the one critical trait that I look for in a guy. It's not necessarily how funny or how smart or how cute they are, it's that Darwinian instinct in me that asks, can he take care of me? And for me, that means whether he's someone that I feel like I could turn the reins over to, even for just a moment.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Nobody Just Wants To Be Friends
Nobody just wants to be friends. This has quickly become one of my favorite phrases. Originally, the phrase was used in this context:
Cute Friend: This older guy who is friends with my friends but isn't friends with any of them on facebook just friended me and then said we should get coffee. Is that weird?
Cute Friend's Friend: Yes.
Cute Friend: But he's just really friendly. I think he just wants to be friends.
Cute Friend's Friend: Nobody just wants to be friends.
We started using the phrase repeatedly because said Cute Friend gets this type of "friendly" message all the time. I think of it as a "feeler" message. Generally, no one, especially not someone you know through friends, really wants to just lay it out there up front so instead they ask if you want to do something wishy washy that makes you think well, maybe-it's-a-date-but-maybe-it's-not. The last time I got a feeler message like that, I told him I thought his friend was cute (and then that friend and I dated). Yeah, I was that brutal.
So anyway, the phrase has become applicable in my own life lately. The guy I went on one match date with ages ago actually emailed me MULTIPLE TIMES to see if I just wanted to grab lunch in the park or go to an architecture lecture with him or see a movie with him and his friends, you know, "just as friends." It's probably my own fault since I pulled the "I'm too busy to date" line. At first I sent him polite, but what I thought were very clear, responses. And eventually I stopped responding full stop. Nobody just wants to be friends.
And then 'G', the Good Guy who I just couldn't bring myself to keep dating, emailed me out of the blue a few weeks ago and asked if I'd be interested in hanging out with him and some of his friends now that football season is starting up (Uh, what? I do not watch football), totally not as a date thing (riiight), just because he thought I was really fun (well, thanks) and might have fun joining up with him and his buddies sometime (because that wouldn't be awkward). I don't know that I could've had a more negative reaction. I wondered if I was just being too cynical, so of course I told half my friends (aka forwarded the email) about it, who similarly concurred that it was weird, and then I proceeded to tell an entire bachelorette party the story, and they all thought it was weird too. Nobody just wants to be friends. (On the bright side though, in one fell swoop, that email erased any chance of me having any future regrets about ending it with him.)
And then 'F' popped up again. True to form, I just asked him why the fuck he was emailing me. In a nutshell, he said, can't I just say hi? I said, no. He said, we can't be friends? And I said, what? No. Why would we be friends? Nobody just wants to be friends.
Now I know. It is so absurdly cynical, but if you think about it, in a post-college stage in life, isn't it sort of true? There's always some reason, as innocuous as it may be, that you wind up exchanging numbers with a member of the opposite sex - whether it's that you want to date them, or that you want to date their friends, or that you want to work for the company they work for, or that you need a new tennis buddy. Sure you may eventually end up becoming actual friends after you've dated/dated their friends/gotten a job/played sports together, but at the very beginning, there was probably some ulterior motive. Since graduating, I cannot think of a single straight guy I've become friends with purely because I thought he would be a fun friend. It's kind of like in that episode of Friends when Joey challenges Phoebe to find/perform a truly selfless act and she fails.
Nobody just wants to be friends.
Cute Friend: This older guy who is friends with my friends but isn't friends with any of them on facebook just friended me and then said we should get coffee. Is that weird?
Cute Friend's Friend: Yes.
Cute Friend: But he's just really friendly. I think he just wants to be friends.
Cute Friend's Friend: Nobody just wants to be friends.
We started using the phrase repeatedly because said Cute Friend gets this type of "friendly" message all the time. I think of it as a "feeler" message. Generally, no one, especially not someone you know through friends, really wants to just lay it out there up front so instead they ask if you want to do something wishy washy that makes you think well, maybe-it's-a-date-but-maybe-it's-not. The last time I got a feeler message like that, I told him I thought his friend was cute (and then that friend and I dated). Yeah, I was that brutal.
So anyway, the phrase has become applicable in my own life lately. The guy I went on one match date with ages ago actually emailed me MULTIPLE TIMES to see if I just wanted to grab lunch in the park or go to an architecture lecture with him or see a movie with him and his friends, you know, "just as friends." It's probably my own fault since I pulled the "I'm too busy to date" line. At first I sent him polite, but what I thought were very clear, responses. And eventually I stopped responding full stop. Nobody just wants to be friends.
And then 'G', the Good Guy who I just couldn't bring myself to keep dating, emailed me out of the blue a few weeks ago and asked if I'd be interested in hanging out with him and some of his friends now that football season is starting up (Uh, what? I do not watch football), totally not as a date thing (riiight), just because he thought I was really fun (well, thanks) and might have fun joining up with him and his buddies sometime (because that wouldn't be awkward). I don't know that I could've had a more negative reaction. I wondered if I was just being too cynical, so of course I told half my friends (aka forwarded the email) about it, who similarly concurred that it was weird, and then I proceeded to tell an entire bachelorette party the story, and they all thought it was weird too. Nobody just wants to be friends. (On the bright side though, in one fell swoop, that email erased any chance of me having any future regrets about ending it with him.)
And then 'F' popped up again. True to form, I just asked him why the fuck he was emailing me. In a nutshell, he said, can't I just say hi? I said, no. He said, we can't be friends? And I said, what? No. Why would we be friends? Nobody just wants to be friends.
Now I know. It is so absurdly cynical, but if you think about it, in a post-college stage in life, isn't it sort of true? There's always some reason, as innocuous as it may be, that you wind up exchanging numbers with a member of the opposite sex - whether it's that you want to date them, or that you want to date their friends, or that you want to work for the company they work for, or that you need a new tennis buddy. Sure you may eventually end up becoming actual friends after you've dated/dated their friends/gotten a job/played sports together, but at the very beginning, there was probably some ulterior motive. Since graduating, I cannot think of a single straight guy I've become friends with purely because I thought he would be a fun friend. It's kind of like in that episode of Friends when Joey challenges Phoebe to find/perform a truly selfless act and she fails.
Nobody just wants to be friends.
Monday, July 12, 2010
How To Get Over Someone You Didn't Even Like
My "I-hate-boys" attitude sort of bled into this past week too.
It was 'F'. No, he didn't do anything. And I was still, STILL thinking about him. About what? I don't know. Do I want him to contact me? No. But I still kept wondering what he was up to, if he was spending the night in, if he was working, if he was out, if he was lonely, if he was still mad, if he was thinking about me.
I guess it just goes to show that certain people can get under your skin simply with TIME. The longest we ever went without talking was a week. And of course this week, all sorts of things kept reminding me of him. Things popped up that I would've immediately texted him about a few weeks ago. I hate that he is actually sort of my "type" and then to top it all off, we actually have that spark of chemistry. The kind that draws people to each other from clear across the room (or bar in this case). That, I suppose, is mostly what is to blame for why I let our entire relationship continue to function in such a dysfunctional way.
Ultimately, I hope to find someone who brings out the best in me and vice versa. That was definitely not the case with 'F'. We brought out the worst in each other. The absolute worst. As much as he makes me crazy angry and as much as I continue to tell myself all the reasons that he is so wrong for me, it still makes me a little sad. Yet another failure, yet another disappointment, yet another guy who has let me down.
And here I am again, back at Square 1.
It was 'F'. No, he didn't do anything. And I was still, STILL thinking about him. About what? I don't know. Do I want him to contact me? No. But I still kept wondering what he was up to, if he was spending the night in, if he was working, if he was out, if he was lonely, if he was still mad, if he was thinking about me.
I guess it just goes to show that certain people can get under your skin simply with TIME. The longest we ever went without talking was a week. And of course this week, all sorts of things kept reminding me of him. Things popped up that I would've immediately texted him about a few weeks ago. I hate that he is actually sort of my "type" and then to top it all off, we actually have that spark of chemistry. The kind that draws people to each other from clear across the room (or bar in this case). That, I suppose, is mostly what is to blame for why I let our entire relationship continue to function in such a dysfunctional way.
Ultimately, I hope to find someone who brings out the best in me and vice versa. That was definitely not the case with 'F'. We brought out the worst in each other. The absolute worst. As much as he makes me crazy angry and as much as I continue to tell myself all the reasons that he is so wrong for me, it still makes me a little sad. Yet another failure, yet another disappointment, yet another guy who has let me down.
And here I am again, back at Square 1.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Enough is Enough
Last week was a little rough for me. And by rough, I mean that I had a total "I-hate-boys" week. Initially, it was because of this guy who I thought was a really great guy. (Well, he might very well be a great guy who just wasn't into me. Which sucks, but fair enough, I guess.) In a nutshell, we're friends, we hooked up, we exchanged lukewarm emails, we made really half-assed plans to get together, we missed each other's phone calls, and that's pretty much been it. All week, I was more or less rationalizing away his behavior. And while there are actually legitimate mitigating factors, at the end of the week, when I received yet another lukewarm, lame-ass email, I read it, frowned, walked away from my computer, stopped half-way across the room, went back, read it again, and thought, well, Fuck That Shit.
Later, I related (slash copied and pasted) his email to my go-to straight guy friend, whose interpretation was something along the lines of, well, this doesn't mean that he's not interested. I went, wait, what? Said friend then proceeded to lecture me on all the things he thought I had done wrong up to that point and then advise me on how I should act going forward. Basically, he encouraged me to play a lot of stupid games. And I thought even more emphatically that time, well, Fuck That Shit.
Mostly, I just couldn't believe that here I was trying to make excuses for this guy. That is so not my job AT ALL. I recognize that I'm probably unfairly taking an entire year's worth of frustration at boys out on this poor guy who just happened to stumble into me at a particularly low-point in my life, but that's kind of just it. There's a point at which enough is enough. I have wasted so much time and energy making excuses for boys, hoping that one day they'll come around, waiting for the day things will magically be different. I guess that is sort of why it's taken me so long to cut 'F' (who also resurfaced in the MOST frustrating manner this week as well) out of my life. With 'F', I knew from Day 2 (seriously, Day 2) that he was not right for me. And yet, I convinced myself that it was fun and not particularly detrimental to my life in any way, so I let it drag on for practically four months, far past the point at which it stopped being fun. And gradually, during that time, this very small part of me started to hope, even believe, that one day, we'd wake up and he'd suddenly be different. He'd make some grand gesture and grow the fuck up.
So when 'F' did resurface, I caved and agreed to see him. Every single thing about him that day simply reconfirmed what I already knew about him. In fact, everything single thing about him that day actually made me angry that I was there at all. And when I told him that this was the end of the line for us, he was astonished (and pissed). He kept asking, "What changed?"
Nothing.
Nothing had changed between Day 2 and now. But do I really want him to change? Do I really want to be with someone who has to come around to the idea of being with me? Do I really want to waste my time waiting for someone to change? Do I want to be with someone with whom I have to play games to get to date me? Do I want to be with someone that I have to wear down before he'll fall in love with me? No. Fuck That Shit.
Life's too short.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
The Saga Continues...
So even though I joined match, 'F' is actually still kind of around. I think the only appropriate word to describe us is "rocky."
I get mad at him rather frequently. I'm pretty sure if this exact situation was happening to one of my friends, I'd be trying to figure out a good way to tell her, "Why are you wasting your time? This guy is trouble."
The problem is, no matter how peeved I get by his behavior and no matter how much I rant about it to my friends, when I'm with him and when I rant to him, all he has to do is swoop me up in his arms and kiss me and suddenly all I can do is roll my eyes, shake my head and hate myself for not being able to resist.
I suspect he's figured this out too.
I get mad at him rather frequently. I'm pretty sure if this exact situation was happening to one of my friends, I'd be trying to figure out a good way to tell her, "Why are you wasting your time? This guy is trouble."
The problem is, no matter how peeved I get by his behavior and no matter how much I rant about it to my friends, when I'm with him and when I rant to him, all he has to do is swoop me up in his arms and kiss me and suddenly all I can do is roll my eyes, shake my head and hate myself for not being able to resist.
I suspect he's figured this out too.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
My Progression to (or: Procrastination of) Online Dating
After a LOT of resisting, I've decided it's time.
When I first moved to the city, my friend's little sister tried to convince me that I should try match.com She even offered me the rest of her year-long subscription after she met her boyfriend (who she's still with today). I declined. I didn't have any real reason not to other than I didn't particularly want to.
Fast forward a few months. My aforementioned friend and I decide to make a pact to join match.com. I mean, if it worked so well for her little sister, then obviously we, the older, wiser versions of her, should similarly be able to find matches online too. Plus we thought it would be fun. Go out on a bunch of random dates, meet new people, flirt, blah blah blah. So we set ourselves a deadline. We would join match.com on July 4. Fast forward to July 4. Said friend was dating someone (who she's still with today) and me? I felt like I had finally gotten the hang of the dating scene (slash I had finally figured out how to get a guy to ask for my number AND call AND ask me out). It was exhausting enough dating guys I'd met the old-fashioned way that I couldn't even imagine throwing online dating into the mix. So I put it off. And put it off. And put it off.
And then came the day that I actually canceled a first date to go over to a friend's house to watch Top Chef. That's when I knew I needed a little breather from dating. So I decided to take a nice, long break, enjoy my friends, go on vacation, take my time sifting through appropriate pictures of myself to put online and then, finally, without further ado, get on match.com. But then I met someone. Went on a few dates, that didn't work out, went on a few other random dates with guys I met in the interim, those didn't work out, starting dating 'D', that didn't work out and then poof. It was 2010. It sort of felt like I had crammed five years of dating all into one. Excitement, exhaustion, up, down, fun, boring, great, terrible. Get on match after all that? Uh, no thanks. It would've felt so defeatist, so sad, so desperate to try my hand at online dating after all that.
But now, I'm kind of excited again. I'm ready to go out on a bunch of random dates, meet new people, flirt, blah blah blah. And I suppose in a way, I have 'F' to thank for my progression back to a date-able state. For one, he was a great distraction. But more seriously, and rather ironically, 'F' helped me to realize how much I had been ready to compromise in a relationship. With 'F', I wasn't constantly worrying about whether he was a potential boyfriend. And without those could-he-be-my-new-boyfriend goggles, I could see just how much of me I was often willing to trade in just to become part of an us.
Now I'm sure I won't still get carried away from time-to-time and I know I'll still need to compromise when needed, but hopefully, this time around, I will still have the courage to be honest when I need to and not worry so much about losing someone before I've ever really even gotten them.
When I first moved to the city, my friend's little sister tried to convince me that I should try match.com She even offered me the rest of her year-long subscription after she met her boyfriend (who she's still with today). I declined. I didn't have any real reason not to other than I didn't particularly want to.
Fast forward a few months. My aforementioned friend and I decide to make a pact to join match.com. I mean, if it worked so well for her little sister, then obviously we, the older, wiser versions of her, should similarly be able to find matches online too. Plus we thought it would be fun. Go out on a bunch of random dates, meet new people, flirt, blah blah blah. So we set ourselves a deadline. We would join match.com on July 4. Fast forward to July 4. Said friend was dating someone (who she's still with today) and me? I felt like I had finally gotten the hang of the dating scene (slash I had finally figured out how to get a guy to ask for my number AND call AND ask me out). It was exhausting enough dating guys I'd met the old-fashioned way that I couldn't even imagine throwing online dating into the mix. So I put it off. And put it off. And put it off.
And then came the day that I actually canceled a first date to go over to a friend's house to watch Top Chef. That's when I knew I needed a little breather from dating. So I decided to take a nice, long break, enjoy my friends, go on vacation, take my time sifting through appropriate pictures of myself to put online and then, finally, without further ado, get on match.com. But then I met someone. Went on a few dates, that didn't work out, went on a few other random dates with guys I met in the interim, those didn't work out, starting dating 'D', that didn't work out and then poof. It was 2010. It sort of felt like I had crammed five years of dating all into one. Excitement, exhaustion, up, down, fun, boring, great, terrible. Get on match after all that? Uh, no thanks. It would've felt so defeatist, so sad, so desperate to try my hand at online dating after all that.
But now, I'm kind of excited again. I'm ready to go out on a bunch of random dates, meet new people, flirt, blah blah blah. And I suppose in a way, I have 'F' to thank for my progression back to a date-able state. For one, he was a great distraction. But more seriously, and rather ironically, 'F' helped me to realize how much I had been ready to compromise in a relationship. With 'F', I wasn't constantly worrying about whether he was a potential boyfriend. And without those could-he-be-my-new-boyfriend goggles, I could see just how much of me I was often willing to trade in just to become part of an us.
Now I'm sure I won't still get carried away from time-to-time and I know I'll still need to compromise when needed, but hopefully, this time around, I will still have the courage to be honest when I need to and not worry so much about losing someone before I've ever really even gotten them.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Similarities
I am feeling pretty indifferent towards my job right now. Sure, there are some good things to be said for it, but it's kind of a dead-end. I know it's not where I want to be in five years - hell it's not even where I want to be in five months. And, it's not as though it's leading me to other opportunities. There's no light at the end of this tunnel that I'm trying to reach, no real reason to stick it out for a set period of time. So it feels like I am just sitting here without any real purpose, floating along, passing time. Yet I'm not being particularly active in seeking out alternatives. The problem is, my current situation is pretty comfortable. It's easy. I have no urgent reason to quit now; in fact, it's quite the opposite. There are probably more reasons why I should just stay until something better comes along. It can be a giant pain-in-the-ass sometimes, but for the most part, it's really not so bad. But I also think that the longer I stay and the more comfortable I get, the harder it will be to leave for something unfamiliar that holds more potential for a future.
Now, replace "my job" with "'F'" and read that paragraph again.
Now, replace "my job" with "'F'" and read that paragraph again.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Skipping Ahead
As a kid, I hated when people would spoil the end of a movie or book for me. I had friends who liked to read the last page of a book before starting so they knew how things would end. I was the opposite. I wouldn't even skim past a particularly long, descriptive paragraph to get to the action-packed sequence at the bottom of a page. And, if, by accident, I did happen to read the action-packed sequence at the bottom of a page before trudging through the paragraphs before it, I was just neurotic enough to go back and soak up the words I skipped. Occasionally it was worth the effort to go back, but most of the time those paragraphs were just boring filler. But still, I always went back. I just didn't want to miss anything in the off chance that those unread paragraphs contained something magical.
Now, with dating, it's the opposite. I usually just want to skip ahead. First dates can be especially painful what with the forced job interviewesque questioning, the constant pretending like you're interested in what the other person is saying, the feeling that your date is evaluating every word that comes out of your mouth. I fully admit to having a first through fourth date persona myself. It's a censored, watered-down version of me, like what you would give someone when you don't think they're quite ready to handle the Real Thing. But after a while of only showing part of your true personality and only getting to know someone on a superficial level, it's like, enough already. Can't we just skip forward to the comfortable stage when we're not worried to be ourselves?
'F' and I kind of did just that - we skipped ahead to the I-don't-care-if-he-sees-me-without-make-up and he-doesn't-care-if-I-see-him-in-his-dog-covered-pajama-pants stage. 'F' never really saw my first through fourth date persona - poor kid had to deal with the Real Me pretty much right away.
On one hand, skipping all of the pretending has been nice. 'F' hasn't exactly been a picnic, but at least it's less exhausting in that I'm not tip-toeing around his feelings or worrying about showing too much emotion or whatever. I can be me - mean me, crazy me, mad me, indecisive me - all the mes that I try to hide from other boys I date. But while it's comfortable, it's not entirely familiar. I realized recently how little I actually know about him. Sure, I know all the basic stats. I know what time he wakes up. But do I know all the intangibles? What he wanted to be when he was a kid? Whether he and his brother are close? If he had a dog growing up? When you go on those awkward initial dates, the uncomfortable silences force you to talk about these things. To fill the silence with random stories about your life. Slowly the stories help to paint a picture of an entire person, bit by bit. Slowly the gaps are filled in.
I suppose that's the problem with me and 'F' right now. There are entire chunks missing from my picture of him. But honestly, I'm a little afraid to go back and try to fill in what we skipped. What if it turns out that it's just boring filler? I guess it's a risk I'm going to have to take. In the off chance that it turns out that there's something magical.
Now, with dating, it's the opposite. I usually just want to skip ahead. First dates can be especially painful what with the forced job interviewesque questioning, the constant pretending like you're interested in what the other person is saying, the feeling that your date is evaluating every word that comes out of your mouth. I fully admit to having a first through fourth date persona myself. It's a censored, watered-down version of me, like what you would give someone when you don't think they're quite ready to handle the Real Thing. But after a while of only showing part of your true personality and only getting to know someone on a superficial level, it's like, enough already. Can't we just skip forward to the comfortable stage when we're not worried to be ourselves?
'F' and I kind of did just that - we skipped ahead to the I-don't-care-if-he-sees-me-without-make-up and he-doesn't-care-if-I-see-him-in-his-dog-covered-pajama-pants stage. 'F' never really saw my first through fourth date persona - poor kid had to deal with the Real Me pretty much right away.
On one hand, skipping all of the pretending has been nice. 'F' hasn't exactly been a picnic, but at least it's less exhausting in that I'm not tip-toeing around his feelings or worrying about showing too much emotion or whatever. I can be me - mean me, crazy me, mad me, indecisive me - all the mes that I try to hide from other boys I date. But while it's comfortable, it's not entirely familiar. I realized recently how little I actually know about him. Sure, I know all the basic stats. I know what time he wakes up. But do I know all the intangibles? What he wanted to be when he was a kid? Whether he and his brother are close? If he had a dog growing up? When you go on those awkward initial dates, the uncomfortable silences force you to talk about these things. To fill the silence with random stories about your life. Slowly the stories help to paint a picture of an entire person, bit by bit. Slowly the gaps are filled in.
I suppose that's the problem with me and 'F' right now. There are entire chunks missing from my picture of him. But honestly, I'm a little afraid to go back and try to fill in what we skipped. What if it turns out that it's just boring filler? I guess it's a risk I'm going to have to take. In the off chance that it turns out that there's something magical.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Never Go to Bed Angry
So you know how they say never let the sun go down on your anger or whatever? Well I was a little annoyed last night with 'F' but didn't care to do anything about it so I just went to bed. I didn't think I was that mad, but apparently I was, because I ended up dreaming about him.
I dreamt that I was at some dinner theater (yes, dinner theater, I dream about dinner theater...) thing with a few girlfriends and apparently 'F' was on the board of directors of the theater group. So before the play starts, the person announcing the play says, "Is 'F' here yet?" And of course, I'm like, oh shit, 'F' is going to be here? Apparently I was already mad at him in my dream.
So he's not there yet, and the play begins, and he comes in, rudely late and looking kind of sloppy, like he's already had a few drinks. He sits at the table near us with some guys and I whisper not so discreetly to my girlfriends, "That's him. My 8 o'clock. That's 'F'." They all turn to look just as he is similarly whispering to his friend and pointing at me. Our eyes meet, we stop for a split second, and turn immediately away, pretending like we didn't just see each other.
And then he says something passive-aggressive to his friend about me, clearly raising his voice so I hear what he says. Without even looking at him, I respond in kind. Soon enough it escalates into a full-on screaming match. In public. At some point I look at him and say, "Oh my god, stop it. We're in public."
And then I hear someone snicker in the backround, "Ah couples and their fighting." And I look over, astonished, and sputter, "But...but...we're not EVEN DATING!!!!"
This is about when I woke up.
So I went to bed only slightly annoyed with 'F' but I woke up so completely and totally angry at him. I could even feel the tension in my back and really wished I had a giant punching bag in my apartment. It was like 6am. He wakes up early. So I texted him a totally angry message. He apologized but his response infuriated me even more! So I responded with an even angrier text. He apologized again.
I feel a little silly that my really stupid dream prompted me to action, but man, oh man. It sure does feel good to get even just that little bit of anger out there and off my chest.
I dreamt that I was at some dinner theater (yes, dinner theater, I dream about dinner theater...) thing with a few girlfriends and apparently 'F' was on the board of directors of the theater group. So before the play starts, the person announcing the play says, "Is 'F' here yet?" And of course, I'm like, oh shit, 'F' is going to be here? Apparently I was already mad at him in my dream.
So he's not there yet, and the play begins, and he comes in, rudely late and looking kind of sloppy, like he's already had a few drinks. He sits at the table near us with some guys and I whisper not so discreetly to my girlfriends, "That's him. My 8 o'clock. That's 'F'." They all turn to look just as he is similarly whispering to his friend and pointing at me. Our eyes meet, we stop for a split second, and turn immediately away, pretending like we didn't just see each other.
And then he says something passive-aggressive to his friend about me, clearly raising his voice so I hear what he says. Without even looking at him, I respond in kind. Soon enough it escalates into a full-on screaming match. In public. At some point I look at him and say, "Oh my god, stop it. We're in public."
And then I hear someone snicker in the backround, "Ah couples and their fighting." And I look over, astonished, and sputter, "But...but...we're not EVEN DATING!!!!"
This is about when I woke up.
So I went to bed only slightly annoyed with 'F' but I woke up so completely and totally angry at him. I could even feel the tension in my back and really wished I had a giant punching bag in my apartment. It was like 6am. He wakes up early. So I texted him a totally angry message. He apologized but his response infuriated me even more! So I responded with an even angrier text. He apologized again.
I feel a little silly that my really stupid dream prompted me to action, but man, oh man. It sure does feel good to get even just that little bit of anger out there and off my chest.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Maybe Honesty Really is the Best Policy
So after spending the week kind of responding to texts and emails from 'F' and kind of flat-out ignoring them, I saw him again. At some point, out of the blue, he turned to me and said, "So why have you been so mad at me this week?"
I didn't even hesitate. "Well, do you want me to start from the beginning?" And then I laid it out for him. You can't cancel on me and just totally get away with it.
Now had this occurred pre-Springtime Resolution, I would've denied being mad. I would've shrugged it off. I would've pretended that he was just being silly. "Me?! Mad? Oh no. I wasn't intentionally not responding to your emails - work was just really busy." Actually, pre-Springtime Resolution, such a question would never even have been posed because he wouldn't have known that I was mad at him in the first place. I would never have let it show so clearly that I was peeved at being cancelled on. I would've just pretended that it wasn't a big deal at all or said something to make him feel less guilty. "Oh, no worries. I ended up having to work late that night anyway." I've always preferred that guys view me as a calm, collected, easy-going, rational girl. Because who wants to date the crazy bitch who spazzes out at you all the time?
I didn't even hesitate. "Well, do you want me to start from the beginning?" And then I laid it out for him. You can't cancel on me and just totally get away with it.
Now had this occurred pre-Springtime Resolution, I would've denied being mad. I would've shrugged it off. I would've pretended that he was just being silly. "Me?! Mad? Oh no. I wasn't intentionally not responding to your emails - work was just really busy." Actually, pre-Springtime Resolution, such a question would never even have been posed because he wouldn't have known that I was mad at him in the first place. I would never have let it show so clearly that I was peeved at being cancelled on. I would've just pretended that it wasn't a big deal at all or said something to make him feel less guilty. "Oh, no worries. I ended up having to work late that night anyway." I've always preferred that guys view me as a calm, collected, easy-going, rational girl. Because who wants to date the crazy bitch who spazzes out at you all the time?
So when I did "spaz" out at 'F', I think it may have been the most honest I've been with a guy about my feelings in a while, maybe ever. Rather ironic, considering I don't see this as a long-term thing. But maybe that's just it. I wasn't worried that he would think I was acting crazy if I told him I was mad. I wasn't concerned that things might end if I showed some emotion. I could be honest with him because I wasn't caught up in trying to turn us into a relationship.
The result? Things didn't end because I got mad at him. And that feeling of not holding things back was actually liberating.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Games
I am totally 100% guilty of playing games right now. With 'F', the boy I met at a bar and who inspired my Springtime Resolution.
Now, I'd say that generally, while I play the game, but I don't really play games. The distinction? Yes, I screen calls and I'll wait a few hours before responding to an email even if I read it 20 seconds after it popped into my inbox. But I don't do those somewhat mean little things that girls do to make boys wonder if the girl really likes him. I try to be clear or at least consistent in my signals. Well. I suppose a few boys from my past might disagree with that last statement. Whatever. I'm working on it.
Although not right now, and definitely not with 'F'. So the whole point of the Springtime Resolution was not to read too much into things and just kind of enjoy the ride, right? Which worked out just fine until 'F' and I had plans last night and he cancelled on me. At the last minute. For no reason. Now, I'm no stranger to cancellations, and well, frankly, it just kind of sucks. Now, it was a Monday night, and it's not as though I had alternative plans. But I was still annoyed. And then I got annoyed that I was annoyed! I mean, things were supposed to be carefree and easy with 'F'. If I was trying not to really care about him, then why would I care that he cancelled? The more I thought about it, the more I became enraged. It was almost worse that I was trying to view things casually and he still managed to be the one calling the shots. Which of course got me thinking that clearly this whole casual don't-think-about-it-too-much approach isn't much better than the is-this-my-future-husband approach. It's the same game, just without the hope of marriage at the end of the tunnel to make the game worth it in the end.
Well, so much for my Springtime Resolution. I guess I will just go back to trying to find a good ol' fashioned boyfriend. Eventually. Once this little game with 'F' ends.
Now, I'd say that generally, while I play the game, but I don't really play games. The distinction? Yes, I screen calls and I'll wait a few hours before responding to an email even if I read it 20 seconds after it popped into my inbox. But I don't do those somewhat mean little things that girls do to make boys wonder if the girl really likes him. I try to be clear or at least consistent in my signals. Well. I suppose a few boys from my past might disagree with that last statement. Whatever. I'm working on it.
Although not right now, and definitely not with 'F'. So the whole point of the Springtime Resolution was not to read too much into things and just kind of enjoy the ride, right? Which worked out just fine until 'F' and I had plans last night and he cancelled on me. At the last minute. For no reason. Now, I'm no stranger to cancellations, and well, frankly, it just kind of sucks. Now, it was a Monday night, and it's not as though I had alternative plans. But I was still annoyed. And then I got annoyed that I was annoyed! I mean, things were supposed to be carefree and easy with 'F'. If I was trying not to really care about him, then why would I care that he cancelled? The more I thought about it, the more I became enraged. It was almost worse that I was trying to view things casually and he still managed to be the one calling the shots. Which of course got me thinking that clearly this whole casual don't-think-about-it-too-much approach isn't much better than the is-this-my-future-husband approach. It's the same game, just without the hope of marriage at the end of the tunnel to make the game worth it in the end.
Well, so much for my Springtime Resolution. I guess I will just go back to trying to find a good ol' fashioned boyfriend. Eventually. Once this little game with 'F' ends.
Monday, March 29, 2010
A Springtime Resolution
I don't know what it is about the spring that makes me feel like I need to adjust my philosophy on dating.
It was at about this same time last year that I made two dating decisions. The first was to date more just for the sake of dating. This was because I felt I was an inexperienced dater, having spent the last seven years of my life in higher educational environments where no one dates, they just hook-up. The second was to go on more second dates. This was because I felt I was nixing guys too quickly and not giving them a fair chance.
Now I was pretty good at doing both of these. The first decision meant that if you asked me out and you were a boy and you didn't have horns growing out of your head, you had about a 90% chance that I would go out on a first date with you. And the second decision meant that if you asked me out and you were a boy and you didn't have horns growing out of your head, you had about an 80% chance that I would go out on two dates with you (though, I suspect these odds have now been greatly decreased given my last two first dates).
So this week, I met someone new. We had fun. And by fun, I mean that we made out at the bar. Clearly one of my finer moments. I told some of my girlfriends about him, and their first question was, "So? Potential?" They probably meant, "Potential date?" But in my mind, the question "Potential?" is merely short for "Potential boyfriend?" So of course, I started thinking and obsessing about whether or not there was potential with this totally random guy who I hardly knew and who I made out with at a bar (!) before I had smack myself back to reality. Was I really just wondering if someone I met at a bar and made out with could be a potential boyfriend? Why, oh why, do I always have to be obsessed with whether or not someone is the one?
So enter my 2010 spring dating philosophy resolution. I want to enjoy things for what they are. Worry less about where something is going. Enjoy things as they are happening. Agonize less about whether I should call someone and just do it. Stop trying to see every guy I meet as a potential boyfriend. Oh and stop making out with boys at bars.
It was at about this same time last year that I made two dating decisions. The first was to date more just for the sake of dating. This was because I felt I was an inexperienced dater, having spent the last seven years of my life in higher educational environments where no one dates, they just hook-up. The second was to go on more second dates. This was because I felt I was nixing guys too quickly and not giving them a fair chance.
Now I was pretty good at doing both of these. The first decision meant that if you asked me out and you were a boy and you didn't have horns growing out of your head, you had about a 90% chance that I would go out on a first date with you. And the second decision meant that if you asked me out and you were a boy and you didn't have horns growing out of your head, you had about an 80% chance that I would go out on two dates with you (though, I suspect these odds have now been greatly decreased given my last two first dates).
So this week, I met someone new. We had fun. And by fun, I mean that we made out at the bar. Clearly one of my finer moments. I told some of my girlfriends about him, and their first question was, "So? Potential?" They probably meant, "Potential date?" But in my mind, the question "Potential?" is merely short for "Potential boyfriend?" So of course, I started thinking and obsessing about whether or not there was potential with this totally random guy who I hardly knew and who I made out with at a bar (!) before I had smack myself back to reality. Was I really just wondering if someone I met at a bar and made out with could be a potential boyfriend? Why, oh why, do I always have to be obsessed with whether or not someone is the one?
So enter my 2010 spring dating philosophy resolution. I want to enjoy things for what they are. Worry less about where something is going. Enjoy things as they are happening. Agonize less about whether I should call someone and just do it. Stop trying to see every guy I meet as a potential boyfriend. Oh and stop making out with boys at bars.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
