A few weeks ago, I cried on the phone to 'F'.
It's almost comical to see in those words on a screen. If nothing else, this year will go down in history as the year of uncontrollable crying. I think I've cried more in the first three quarters of 2010 than I did in all of the entire previous decade (granted, crying twice a year was probably my previous norm). The odd thing about this particular instance was that it was even more random than usual. 'F' didn't say anything to piss me off (for once). Actually, he probably didn't say anything more than "Hey." Literally. He called me, I picked up and the next thing I knew, nothing was coming out but tears.
I was tired. Tired of being in charge. Tired of being responsible. Tired of being in control but not in control. Tired of doing everything for myself. Tired of doing shit for other people. Tired of organizing get-togethers to no one's full satisfaction. Tired of answering questions like "Where's X Bar?" when the questioner could have easily taken an extra 4 seconds to type the "X Bar" into google instead of immediately sending me an email. Tired of giving date recommendations to my guy friends. Tired of giving second date recommendations. Tired of giving recommendations period. Tired.
Most of the above are things that I generally enjoy, or at least don't mind, but after an entire summer of what felt like constantly stepping up when others weren't, there were times when I just wished I could go to my parents' house, crawl into my childhood bed and have my mom take care of me. Escape all of my responsibilities, even for just a moment, and let someone else do things for me for once.
I guess it is quickly becoming the one critical trait that I look for in a guy. It's not necessarily how funny or how smart or how cute they are, it's that Darwinian instinct in me that asks, can he take care of me? And for me, that means whether he's someone that I feel like I could turn the reins over to, even for just a moment.