Sunday, April 11, 2010

Maybe Honesty Really is the Best Policy

So after spending the week kind of responding to texts and emails from 'F' and kind of flat-out ignoring them, I saw him again.  At some point, out of the blue, he turned to me and said, "So why have you been so mad at me this week?"

I didn't even hesitate.  "Well, do you want me to start from the beginning?"  And then I laid it out for him.  You can't cancel on me and just totally get away with it.

Now had this occurred pre-Springtime Resolution, I would've denied being mad.  I would've shrugged it off.  I would've pretended that he was just being silly.  "Me?!  Mad?  Oh no.  I wasn't intentionally not responding to your emails - work was just really busy."  Actually, pre-Springtime Resolution, such a question would never even have been posed because he wouldn't have known that I was mad at him in the first place.  I would never have let it show so clearly that I was peeved at being cancelled on.  I would've just pretended that it wasn't a big deal at all or said something to make him feel less guilty.  "Oh, no worries.  I ended up having to work late that night anyway."  I've always preferred that guys view me as a calm, collected, easy-going, rational girl.  Because who wants to date the crazy bitch who spazzes out at you all the time?

So when I did "spaz" out at 'F', I think it may have been the most honest I've been with a guy about my feelings in a while, maybe ever.  Rather ironic, considering I don't see this as a long-term thing.  But maybe that's just it.  I wasn't worried that he would think I was acting crazy if I told him I was mad.  I wasn't concerned that things might end if I showed some emotion.   I could be honest with him because I wasn't caught up in trying to turn us into a relationship.

The result?  Things didn't end because I got mad at him.  And that feeling of not holding things back was actually liberating.  

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