An Explanation of Silence

I know you said you weren't particularly surprised to hear from me, but did you wonder why you hadn't heard from me in nearly two years?

I had planned to cut you out completely.  I found it perplexingly distressing to deal with the aftermath of your visits.  After your last visit, I decided that inviting you to pop in and out of my life like that just wasn't good for me.  I wasn't strong enough to handle it - to make myself emotionally snap out of it every time.  So I decided to cut you out.  I pushed you out of my mind.  I dated a ton.  I went on a lot of great dates.  And went on a lot of bad ones.  I broke up with a few boys.  And got broken up with by a few boys.  I forgot about you.  And wondered about you.  I resisted the urge to email you.  And eventually, in a typically me way, gave myself a target date.  If I could maintain silence for two full years, then I would allow myself to think about getting back into contact with you.  I changed my mind after a drunken one-night stand.

Dating in New York has been exhausting.   I think I dipped into every possible pool of available guys - work colleagues, former work colleagues, sports teammates, friends of friends, friends of friends of friends, randoms at bars, randoms on the internet, hell I even did speed dating.  There have been so many ups and downs in the last two years.  In the summer, I dated this lawyer.  He was a really nice, decent guy who will probably end up making partner.  I couldn't help but think that if all I wanted was to get married, move to the burbs, have kids and quit my job - well this was my chance.  But I couldn't do it.  I was on a date with him and couldn't wait for it to be over so I could text this awful douchebag of a guy I'd been sleeping with on and off for the previous five months.   Fucked up.

So I took a time out from boys altogether.  Apart from my friend's bachelorette weekend and another friend's birthday, I didn't go out.  It was nice to simply surround myself in the comfort of my friends.  Then in October, I went to a wedding, got totally drunk and hooked up with a guy there.  Oddly enough, it was probably the most fun I'd had all year.  The first time in a while I felt like I was just going with the flow and not getting wrapped up in what was going to happen next.  The first time in a while I remember actually smiling to myself on the street the day after.

That's when I wondered why the hell I was waiting to email you.  Once, you too had made me smile to myself the day after.

Never Go to Bed Angry

So you know how they say never let the sun go down on your anger or whatever?  Well I was a little annoyed last night with 'F' but didn't care to do anything about it so I just went to bed.  I didn't think I was that mad, but apparently I was, because I ended up dreaming about him.

I dreamt that I was at some dinner theater (yes, dinner theater, I dream about dinner theater...) thing with a few girlfriends and apparently 'F' was on the board of directors of the theater group.  So before the play starts, the person announcing the play says, "Is 'F' here yet?" And of course, I'm like, oh shit, 'F' is going to be here?  Apparently I was already mad at him in my dream.

So he's not there yet, and the play begins, and he comes in, rudely late and looking kind of sloppy, like he's already had a few drinks.  He sits at the table near us with some guys and I whisper not so discreetly to my girlfriends, "That's him.  My 8 o'clock.  That's 'F'."  They all turn to look just as he is similarly whispering to his friend and pointing at me.  Our eyes meet, we stop for a split second, and turn immediately away, pretending like we didn't just see each other.

And then he says something passive-aggressive to his friend about me, clearly raising his voice so I hear what he says.  Without even looking at him, I respond in kind.  Soon enough it escalates into a full-on screaming match.  In public.  At some point I look at him and say, "Oh my god, stop it.  We're in public."

And then I hear someone snicker in the backround, "Ah couples and their fighting."  And I look over, astonished, and sputter, "But...but...we're not EVEN DATING!!!!"

This is about when I woke up.

So I went to bed only slightly annoyed with 'F' but I woke up so completely and totally angry at him.  I could even feel the tension in my back and really wished I had a giant punching bag in my apartment.  It was like 6am.  He wakes up early.  So I texted him a totally angry message.  He apologized but his response infuriated me even more!  So I responded with an even angrier text.  He apologized again.

I feel a little silly that my really stupid dream prompted me to action, but man, oh man.  It sure does feel good to get even just that little bit of anger out there and off my chest.

Maybe Honesty Really is the Best Policy

So after spending the week kind of responding to texts and emails from 'F' and kind of flat-out ignoring them, I saw him again.  At some point, out of the blue, he turned to me and said, "So why have you been so mad at me this week?"

I didn't even hesitate.  "Well, do you want me to start from the beginning?"  And then I laid it out for him.  You can't cancel on me and just totally get away with it.

Now had this occurred pre-Springtime Resolution, I would've denied being mad.  I would've shrugged it off.  I would've pretended that he was just being silly.  "Me?!  Mad?  Oh no.  I wasn't intentionally not responding to your emails - work was just really busy."  Actually, pre-Springtime Resolution, such a question would never even have been posed because he wouldn't have known that I was mad at him in the first place.  I would never have let it show so clearly that I was peeved at being cancelled on.  I would've just pretended that it wasn't a big deal at all or said something to make him feel less guilty.  "Oh, no worries.  I ended up having to work late that night anyway."  I've always preferred that guys view me as a calm, collected, easy-going, rational girl.  Because who wants to date the crazy bitch who spazzes out at you all the time?

So when I did "spaz" out at 'F', I think it may have been the most honest I've been with a guy about my feelings in a while, maybe ever.  Rather ironic, considering I don't see this as a long-term thing.  But maybe that's just it.  I wasn't worried that he would think I was acting crazy if I told him I was mad.  I wasn't concerned that things might end if I showed some emotion.   I could be honest with him because I wasn't caught up in trying to turn us into a relationship.

The result?  Things didn't end because I got mad at him.  And that feeling of not holding things back was actually liberating.