A Different Angle

I made a New Year's Resolution a few years ago to Be Less Negative.  A friend promptly pointed out that my first step in keeping my resolution should be to rephrase my resolution from Be Less Negative to Be More Positive. I laughed, agreed and then proceeded to tell this very story every time the topic of negativity or resolutions came up.

What I didn't realize at the time was that Be Less Negative and Be More Positive were two entirely different resolutions.  When I was less negative, it didn't automatically mean I became more positive.  Just because I was focusing less on what I didn't like about my job didn't mean that I was thinking about what I liked about it instead.  I didn't replace my negative thoughts with positive ones.  While it would be nice if positivity and negativity were a nice, neat sliding scale of -50 to 50, sometimes the parts just don't quite add up to 100.

Similarly, sometimes an event or milestone doesn't quite live up to all of the hype leading up to it.  As a result, the actual event or milestone that you'd been so eagerly looking forward to for so many months ends up being disappointing.  My solution has always been to lower my expectations.  If you're not expecting something to be amazing, then you can't be as disappointed if it's not and you'll be pleasantly surprised if it is.  But then I had a thought: why am I trying to Be Less Negative when I could be trying to Be More Positive?

Instead of lowering expectations to avoid disappointment, why not accept that the whole may actually be less than the sum of its parts and enjoy both sides of the equation?   It is possible to enjoy the means, the process, the anticipation, the hype, the expectation, the build-up just as much as the end itself.  In some ways, the process is the very fun itself.  It's like a road trip - it isn't the destination that matters so much as the journey itself.

Daily Reminders

Almost nine years ago, my three best friends from home and I were sitting at a cafe (okay, it was a Starbucks) catching up, analyzing each other's lives.   Eventually we decided to memorialize our conversation and jot down a few reminders/resolutions for each other on the back of Starbucks napkins.  I vaguely recall one of my reminders had something to do with not making out with random boys.  I guess I still need to work on that one.  What stuck with me a little more though, was their reminder to enjoy what's going on around me, right now, in that very moment.  I have always had a bit of a tendency to forget to enjoy my current surroundings because I am already looking forward to what lies ahead.  There always seems to be a new chapter in life to look forward to - a new school, an exciting trip, an interesting internship, a new city.  And when each of those new adventures begins, it never takes long for me to get caught up in planning my next one.   It's like asking what's for dinner before you've even finished your lunch.

I've been acutely aware of this trait of mine for all these years and was reminded of it more recently on account of an impending visit from 'C'.  I emailed him - breaking our almost two-year silence - and he emailed back to say he would be in New York in December.

His visit didn't come as much of a surprise to me but still, my reaction was rather mixed - a cocktail of hope, apprehension, excitement, doubt and confusion.

What I knew I needed to avoid though, was viewing his visit as something to look forward to.  I hate the idea of spending the next month thinking about what, if anything, will happen when he visits.  But more than that, I hate the idea of secretly wishing November was over and done with so December could be here already.  Life is short enough as it is.  I have actively tried not to become someone who lives from weekend to weekend or from vacation to vacation for precisely that reason.  It's too easy to forget to enjoy the random pleasures of a weekday when you're counting down the days till Friday.

And so I am reminded yet again to enjoy what's going on around me, right now, at this very moment.

Maybe Honesty Really is the Best Policy

So after spending the week kind of responding to texts and emails from 'F' and kind of flat-out ignoring them, I saw him again.  At some point, out of the blue, he turned to me and said, "So why have you been so mad at me this week?"

I didn't even hesitate.  "Well, do you want me to start from the beginning?"  And then I laid it out for him.  You can't cancel on me and just totally get away with it.

Now had this occurred pre-Springtime Resolution, I would've denied being mad.  I would've shrugged it off.  I would've pretended that he was just being silly.  "Me?!  Mad?  Oh no.  I wasn't intentionally not responding to your emails - work was just really busy."  Actually, pre-Springtime Resolution, such a question would never even have been posed because he wouldn't have known that I was mad at him in the first place.  I would never have let it show so clearly that I was peeved at being cancelled on.  I would've just pretended that it wasn't a big deal at all or said something to make him feel less guilty.  "Oh, no worries.  I ended up having to work late that night anyway."  I've always preferred that guys view me as a calm, collected, easy-going, rational girl.  Because who wants to date the crazy bitch who spazzes out at you all the time?

So when I did "spaz" out at 'F', I think it may have been the most honest I've been with a guy about my feelings in a while, maybe ever.  Rather ironic, considering I don't see this as a long-term thing.  But maybe that's just it.  I wasn't worried that he would think I was acting crazy if I told him I was mad.  I wasn't concerned that things might end if I showed some emotion.   I could be honest with him because I wasn't caught up in trying to turn us into a relationship.

The result?  Things didn't end because I got mad at him.  And that feeling of not holding things back was actually liberating.  

Games

I am totally 100% guilty of playing games right now.  With 'F', the boy I met at a bar and who inspired my Springtime Resolution.

Now, I'd say that generally, while I play the game, but I don't really play games.  The distinction?  Yes, I screen calls and I'll wait a few hours before responding to an email even if I read it 20 seconds after it popped into my inbox. But I don't do those somewhat mean little things that girls do to make boys wonder if the girl really likes him.  I try to be clear or at least consistent in my signals.  Well.  I suppose a few boys from my past might disagree with that last statement.  Whatever.  I'm working on it.

Although not right now, and definitely not with 'F'.  So the whole point of the Springtime Resolution was not to read too much into things and just kind of enjoy the ride, right?  Which worked out just fine until 'F' and I had plans last night and he cancelled on me.  At the last minute.  For no reason.  Now, I'm no stranger to cancellations, and well, frankly, it just kind of sucks.  Now, it was a Monday night, and it's not as though I had alternative plans.  But I was still annoyed.  And then I got annoyed that I was annoyed!  I mean, things were supposed to be carefree and easy with 'F'.  If I was trying not to really care about him, then why would I care that he cancelled?  The more I thought about it, the more I became enraged.  It was almost worse that I was trying to view things casually and he still managed to be the one calling the shots.  Which of course got me thinking that clearly this whole casual don't-think-about-it-too-much approach isn't much better than the is-this-my-future-husband approach.  It's the same game, just without the hope of marriage at the end of the tunnel to make the game worth it in the end.

Well, so much for my Springtime Resolution.  I guess I will just go back to trying to find a good ol' fashioned boyfriend.  Eventually.  Once this little game with 'F' ends.

A Springtime Resolution

I don't know what it is about the spring that makes me feel like I need to adjust my philosophy on dating. 

It was at about this same time last year that I made two dating decisions.  The first was to date more just for the sake of dating.  This was because I felt I was an inexperienced dater, having spent the last seven years of my life in higher educational environments where no one dates, they just hook-up.  The second was to go on more second dates.  This was because I felt I was nixing guys too quickly and not giving them a fair chance.

Now I was pretty good at doing both of these.  The first decision meant that if you asked me out and you were a boy and you didn't have horns growing out of your head, you had about a 90% chance that I would go out on a first date with you.  And the second decision meant that if you asked me out and you were a boy and you didn't have horns growing out of your head, you had about an 80% chance that I would go out on two dates with you (though, I suspect these odds have now been greatly decreased given my last two first dates).

So this week, I met someone new.  We had fun.  And by fun, I mean that we made out at the bar.  Clearly one of my finer moments.  I told some of my girlfriends about him, and their first question was, "So? Potential?"  They probably meant, "Potential date?"  But in my mind, the question "Potential?" is merely short for "Potential boyfriend?"  So of course, I started thinking and obsessing about whether or not there was potential with this totally random guy who I hardly knew and who I made out with at a bar (!) before I had smack myself back to reality.  Was I really just wondering if someone I met at a bar and made out with could be a potential boyfriend? Why, oh why, do I always have to be obsessed with whether or not someone is the one?

So enter my 2010 spring dating philosophy resolution.  I want to enjoy things for what they are.  Worry less about where something is going.  Enjoy things as they are happening.  Agonize less about whether I should call someone and just do it.  Stop trying to see every guy I meet as a potential boyfriend.  Oh and stop making out with boys at bars.