A Springtime Resolution

I don't know what it is about the spring that makes me feel like I need to adjust my philosophy on dating. 

It was at about this same time last year that I made two dating decisions.  The first was to date more just for the sake of dating.  This was because I felt I was an inexperienced dater, having spent the last seven years of my life in higher educational environments where no one dates, they just hook-up.  The second was to go on more second dates.  This was because I felt I was nixing guys too quickly and not giving them a fair chance.

Now I was pretty good at doing both of these.  The first decision meant that if you asked me out and you were a boy and you didn't have horns growing out of your head, you had about a 90% chance that I would go out on a first date with you.  And the second decision meant that if you asked me out and you were a boy and you didn't have horns growing out of your head, you had about an 80% chance that I would go out on two dates with you (though, I suspect these odds have now been greatly decreased given my last two first dates).

So this week, I met someone new.  We had fun.  And by fun, I mean that we made out at the bar.  Clearly one of my finer moments.  I told some of my girlfriends about him, and their first question was, "So? Potential?"  They probably meant, "Potential date?"  But in my mind, the question "Potential?" is merely short for "Potential boyfriend?"  So of course, I started thinking and obsessing about whether or not there was potential with this totally random guy who I hardly knew and who I made out with at a bar (!) before I had smack myself back to reality.  Was I really just wondering if someone I met at a bar and made out with could be a potential boyfriend? Why, oh why, do I always have to be obsessed with whether or not someone is the one?

So enter my 2010 spring dating philosophy resolution.  I want to enjoy things for what they are.  Worry less about where something is going.  Enjoy things as they are happening.  Agonize less about whether I should call someone and just do it.  Stop trying to see every guy I meet as a potential boyfriend.  Oh and stop making out with boys at bars.

Not What You Said But How You Said It

So I went on a date last weekend with this guy that I met the weekend before that.  My initial impression of him was pretty lukewarm, but I was feeling open-minded about the whole thing because the date itself sounded promising.  It was the first gorgeous spring day in New York, and the plan was to picnic in the park.  Unfortunately, the picnic was a Disaster with a capital D.  Had it been any other guy, I'm sure I would've just said, "Let's pretend this never happened and go on a second first date."

But with him, I didn't.  I couldn't quite put my finger on what I disliked about him initially.  My first thought was, well, he was nice...I guess.  And he was...I guess.  He was polite, good-natured, maybe a little boring, but there was nothing overtly offensive about him.  Which of course made me feel a smidge guilty for nixing him after the first date, especially since it wasn't really his fault that the date was a Disaster.  But thinking back, I now know what it was that I didn't like about him.  He was just like any other career-obsessed, full-of-himself guy in New York, except that he tried to hide it behind his I'm-just-a-nice-humble-boy-from-the-midwest facade.  And it was that facade that I found the most offensive.

The thing about living in New York is that everyone you meet tends to be young and successful.  Everyone has something to be proud of, whether it's the guy in the suit on his BlackBerry who just closed a multimillion dollar deal or the guy working the night shift in the copy center who also happens to be a back-up dancer in hit music videos.  Sometimes you can never tell what a person has achieved so far, while other times they wear it on their sleeves.  I have certainly met my fair share of arrogant douchebags, but not once in my last year of dating lawyers, bankers, hedge fund managers, architects and doctors did I have someone give me a full and very detailed run-down of his resume.  On a first date.  Which is what this guy did. 

It was as though he felt compelled to explain his success because maybe it wasn't immediately obvious from his job title.  Fair enough.  I had never heard of his company, so sure, it was enlightening to hear what he did.  But he didn't stop there.  He proceeded to tell me the full story of how he got his first job, why he decided to leave his first job, how he wound up getting his second job, why his second employer moved him to New York, and THEN, he went on to tell me how his dad's business was bought out by a major company, how his parents looked to buy their winter house in several tropical countries before settling on Florida, and how his 21-year-old brother had a wildly successful club-promoting career on par with the 40-year-olds in the industry.

And all of this in approximately an hour.

So okay, after writing it all down, he does sound pretty awful.  But really, that wasn't even the worst part!  Sure, it was partly what he said, but it definitely more how he said it.  How he pretended to be humble.  How he pretended like he was just telling me stories about his life when he was doing nothing more than spewing and gushing about how great he was.

Which is only mildly ironic considering the reason the date was a Disaster was that he had diarrhea.

Straight Guys & Online Dating

Every single one of my single girlfriends has been, or is, on some sort of dating website. Every single one of my single gay friends has been, or is, on some sort of dating website. Every single one of my single straight guy friends refuses to join, or denies being on, any sort of dating website.

I came really close to convincing one of my straight guy friends to get on match.com. He had once said that he wouldn't try online dating until he was in his 30s. (He was 25 at the time.) Ten months in New York and he was whistling a different tune. So what made him (almost) change his mind? It may have been because he hadn't been on a date in over 8 months. But I think what really sent him over the edge was the night he got hit on by a guy at a bar where we were playing beer pong. After that night, he agreed that if I drafted a profile for him, he'd consider joining match. But then, that very weekend, he went to a wedding and met a bridesmaid, and there went my carefully constructed profile for FoodieBanker25.

Actually, two of my guy friends have done online dating. But neither of them know that I know. One met his current girlfriend online. He told me that they met at a Halloween party. I didn't learn until almost 9 months later (from her) that by "Halloween party," he really meant JDate.

My other guy friend who's online flat-out denied that he was online. One of my girlfriends stumbled across his profile as she was browsing OkCupid and called me immediately. I thought it would be hysterically funny if she messaged him but she, perhaps wisely, refused. The next time I saw him, I casually mentioned how I was thinking about joining eHarmony and then asked him, point-blank, if he had tried online dating. I think he shuttered and said something like, "Oh god no."

So why are single straight guys in their 20s so embarrassed by the idea of online dating? Is it because guys think they should have enough game to pick girls up at bars and at Halloween parties? Is it that guys see online dating as a last resort when all else fails? Or is it just that guys don't want to admit that they too are looking for someone to love?


*Disclaimer - this is all maybe a little hypocritical since I haven't actually tried online dating either.  But someday...