Wednesday, December 8, 2010

An Explanation of Silence

I know you said you weren't particularly surprised to hear from me, but did you wonder why you hadn't heard from me in nearly two years?

I had planned to cut you out completely.  I found it perplexingly distressing to deal with the aftermath of your visits.  After your last visit, I decided that inviting you to pop in and out of my life like that just wasn't good for me.  I wasn't strong enough to handle it - to make myself emotionally snap out of it every time.  So I decided to cut you out.  I pushed you out of my mind.  I dated a ton.  I went on a lot of great dates.  And went on a lot of bad ones.  I broke up with a few boys.  And got broken up with by a few boys.  I forgot about you.  And wondered about you.  I resisted the urge to email you.  And eventually, in a typically me way, gave myself a target date.  If I could maintain silence for two full years, then I would allow myself to think about getting back into contact with you.  I changed my mind after a drunken one-night stand.

Dating in New York has been exhausting.   I think I dipped into every possible pool of available guys - work colleagues, former work colleagues, sports teammates, friends of friends, friends of friends of friends, randoms at bars, randoms on the internet, hell I even did speed dating.  There have been so many ups and downs in the last two years.  In the summer, I dated this lawyer.  He was a really nice, decent guy who will probably end up making partner.  I couldn't help but think that if all I wanted was to get married, move to the burbs, have kids and quit my job - well this was my chance.  But I couldn't do it.  I was on a date with him and couldn't wait for it to be over so I could text this awful douchebag of a guy I'd been sleeping with on and off for the previous five months.   Fucked up.

So I took a time out from boys altogether.  Apart from my friend's bachelorette weekend and another friend's birthday, I didn't go out.  It was nice to simply surround myself in the comfort of my friends.  Then in October, I went to a wedding, got totally drunk and hooked up with a guy there.  Oddly enough, it was probably the most fun I'd had all year.  The first time in a while I felt like I was just going with the flow and not getting wrapped up in what was going to happen next.  The first time in a while I remember actually smiling to myself on the street the day after.

That's when I wondered why the hell I was waiting to email you.  Once, you too had made me smile to myself the day after.

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