I know you said you weren't particularly surprised to hear from me, but did you wonder why you hadn't heard from me in nearly two years?
I had planned to cut you out completely. I found it perplexingly distressing to deal with the aftermath of your visits. After your last visit, I decided that inviting you to pop in and out of my life like that just wasn't good for me. I wasn't strong enough to handle it - to make myself emotionally snap out of it every time. So I decided to cut you out. I pushed you out of my mind. I dated a ton. I went on a lot of great dates. And went on a lot of bad ones. I broke up with a few boys. And got broken up with by a few boys. I forgot about you. And wondered about you. I resisted the urge to email you. And eventually, in a typically me way, gave myself a target date. If I could maintain silence for two full years, then I would allow myself to think about getting back into contact with you. I changed my mind after a drunken one-night stand.
Dating in New York has been exhausting. I think I dipped into every possible pool of available guys - work colleagues, former work colleagues, sports teammates, friends of friends, friends of friends of friends, randoms at bars, randoms on the internet, hell I even did speed dating. There have been so many ups and downs in the last two years. In the summer, I dated this lawyer. He was a really nice, decent guy who will probably end up making partner. I couldn't help but think that if all I wanted was to get married, move to the burbs, have kids and quit my job - well this was my chance. But I couldn't do it. I was on a date with him and couldn't wait for it to be over so I could text this awful douchebag of a guy I'd been sleeping with on and off for the previous five months. Fucked up.
So I took a time out from boys altogether. Apart from my friend's bachelorette weekend and another friend's birthday, I didn't go out. It was nice to simply surround myself in the comfort of my friends. Then in October, I went to a wedding, got totally drunk and hooked up with a guy there. Oddly enough, it was probably the most fun I'd had all year. The first time in a while I felt like I was just going with the flow and not getting wrapped up in what was going to happen next. The first time in a while I remember actually smiling to myself on the street the day after.
That's when I wondered why the hell I was waiting to email you. Once, you too had made me smile to myself the day after.