Today I thought, holy shit, I can't believe it's MARCH. March! And on top of that, it was 60 degrees and sunny. When did it become spring? Oh right. While I was stuck inside my office drinking coffee by the gallon. And then my next thought was yikes, I am in my last few months of being 26.
Twenty-six! Once upon a time, 26 was my magical number. As a kid, I always thought of it as the age that I would get married. Even when I graduated from college, I still felt like it wasn't totally out of the realm of possibility. I probably didn't start to really give up on the idea until I turned 24 and was still decidedly single. Yet in spite of the generally negative tone of my writing here in blogland, I have actually spent the last year being secretly hopeful. I mean, not secretly hopeful that I would get married this year - I'm not crazy, thank you. I am kind of embarrassed to admit it, but more than once in the past year, I thought, well maybe 26 is the age at which I will MEET the person I end up marrying.
Silly right? But hey, maybe it's true. Maybe I have met him already. Or maybe I will meet him in my remaining months as a 26-year-old! Riiiight. Still, it's funny how much my hopeful, sappy state-of-mind has colored my attitude towards guys that I've met this year. Thinking back on a lot of my post-first date reactions, I was mostly optimistic. I saw potential and possibilities and chose to ignore some obvious red flags. I really tried not to concentrate on the negative and to focus more on what I liked about these guys. And it helped for a bit, at least until my negative side succeeded in stomping all over my already-stunted optimistic side.
I think a lot of my hopeful mindset stemmed from my belief that because I was 26, I was ready for a relationship - ready to let someone in, ready to depend on someone, ready to try to make a relationship work. Dating is exhausting, and a year of dating has definitely worn me down to where I just want a boyfriend already. But recent events have merely proven that maybe I'm not all that ready. I still haven't really let anyone in, and I still haven't tried particularly hard to make anything work. What's that old saying? Fake it till you make it? I figure I will just keep plugging along, going out, living life, meeting people and hoping that some day, everything will just click into place.