Wednesday, August 18, 2010

It's Not You, It's Me. Or Is It?

I finally went on a third date with 'G'. (I decided that even though there is a chance that I may never speak to this kid again, he still gets a letter.  Because he is representative of my inability to commit.  Because he is an archetypal "Good Guy."  And because I was avoiding assigning someone the letter 'G' and just needed to be done with it already.)  'G' is the guy that I avoided going a third date with a few weeks back for no good reason.  I just wasn't feeling it at the time.  And after Date #3, I waffled.

Like I said, 'G' is a Good Guy.  The worst I can say about him is that he is from New Jersey.  And that he didn't step up and plan our second date.   That's it.  Seriously, no obvious flaws.  Objectively, I honestly have nothing else negative to say about him.  And this is Negative, Cynical Me actively looking for faults.  Conversely, there's nothing spectacular about 'G' either.  Nothing stands out.  I never wrote about our first date, because other than what we did on our first date (which I planned), there was nothing to tell.  I never wrote about our second date, because other than the fact that he was terrible at planning the second date, there was nothing to tell.  And similarly, there is nothing to tell about our third date.

Now this all makes it sound like he is boring.  Or that I am bored when I am with him.  But neither of those things is true.  He's interesting enough and we have plenty to talk about.  Our dates are totally fine.  Fun even.  But am I itching to go out with him again?  No.  

Hence, the waffling.

This weekend, I went down to DC, and on the bus trip down, I decided pretty definitively that I wasn't going to see him again.  I even got so far as to figure out how I was going to tell him that I didn't want to see him anymore (a phone call with the "I just can't date right now" and "There's this other guy" and "I have baggage, you don't want to date me" type of speech).  

But then on the bus trip back (which was longer, thank you I-95), I decided maybe I should go out with him again.  I thought about all the girls I knew who hadn't been totally swept off their feet on their first dates with their now significant others.  I thought about how many of them were just kind of "eh" about their guys.  I thought about how many of them expressed lukewarm feelings, but kept going out with these boys anyway, and then ended up (gradually) falling in love.  It made me wonder whether my entire search for a boyfriend is sort of doomed from the start, because I want that instant gratification, that immediate spark.  Am I giving up on guys too quickly?  Perhaps.  Am I simply not committed enough to the idea of being in a relationship to stick it out and gradually fall for someone?  Probably.  Is it me and my mindset and my inability to commit getting in the way of my own happiness again?  Almost definitely.

But then I remembered how ready I was to be in a relationship back in January, with 'D', and that sends my mindset theory flying out the window...

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